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Tuesday, 21 September 2010

nervous vs excited

school sucks, we all know it. i had to fight falling asleep when my history professor talks for the whole hour and a half. he is one of those old school professors that still drink from a traditional coffee mug. he talks non stop for the whole one hour and basically start from the getgo. SO effin boring. anyway, other than that, acc&world religions kick history's ass big time..

i was eating pho with my baby today and he told me if i was ready to meet his mother. frankly i believe that it is about time to meet his mom because we've been together for a year and three months. i've only met his brother and his cousin's family. i always thought that I should finally meet his mother because I wanted to validate me and my baby's relationship so it will finally seem validated. but as he was telling me about meeting his mother, I was like thinking in my head that maybe it'll be better to meet her another day cause I don't know what to say.

Later, I ended up not meeting his mother because she was asleep but me and baby watched house's season premiere. it was so bomb to finally see cuddy and house together- well i hope it works out in the end. and then we watched some MTV video music award with chelsea handler as host. i frkn hate kangay west! he needs to stop producing and making music because he is so rude and needs to be bitch slapped. no hard feelings towards all the fans in the world.

drove home and now i am here blogging because I feel the need to read it one day again and remember what I've done day by day.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

live on

hello xanga, i've quit you for a while and I decided that it's time to relive you. Reading all my entries from 2006-2008, I was stunned by the way I use to write. I use to make more sense than I do now. Which is quite weird because I should be making more sense since now that I am older and going to college. Anyways, I've been listening to my Cd of passion, AJ rafael and Kris Mark. THEY ARE EFFIN AWESOME. They make me relaxed when im driving to school or to go see the boyfriend.

So the point of this entry, i wanna know is it possible to be in love with two people? In order to experience true love you would need to be loved, feel it and want more from it. But what if the relationship start to fade and the spark is no longer there? Then one day, you see someone you're attracted to and then instantly you have the benefit of the doubt that the person you're with is not the person you WANT to be with after having to meet that other somebody. Why would you want to start something that you have not ended? Better put, should you even be attracted to that person to begin with since you are already in love? If you were truly in love, would it be possible to even think of starting a relationship with the person you just met? I'm just saying if a couple is happy, none of them should seek further companion, right? So if you have the opportunity to start something with the new person you are interested in, would you do it? And what are the costs to start that "affair?" At that point, if given the opportunity, what do you do? Chase after your happiness or be responsible and and hurt the one you ARE in LOVE with?

It's weird because you would never know that feeling of complexity and confusion unless if you actually been through that moment. But I'm just curious because there seem to be like a lot of people in dilemma and I just wanna say why do we start something we don't even want? Because of the drama? Is it because life is filled with different drama that we like to go through so our lives can be more interesting and less dull?

hmmm. confusions.

Monday, 28 September 2009

don't take me for granted, I'm not that kind of girl

So having to realize the many things in me that I haven't already known about myself, I came to a conclusion that if you would I would. This all happened when I wasn't accepted as who I am during middle school. I've built a barrier around myself with a simple string theory; if you do not need me, I do not either. Rather, if you will display a little bit of disinterest in me, I will probably throw you away FIRST instead of all the dwelling and draggin of wanting you to want to keep me. Too bad for feelings though, what a pity little waste. If you can do things without me, then why should I? If you do make me feel I am under appreciated, I will definitely stop doing things for you as you have no worth for my caring. In addition, if you do care for me and the sake of my well-being, I really WILL do everything for you without complaining until it hits me when all you're doing is taking me for granted.

I've done wrong, though, I jumpt to conclusions as I hate waiting and as all the patience around me is failing on me, I no longer give a fuck and give a fair treament to all. I realized that those who stuck with me through pancakes and sauces, I will give a damn heart to you. Because those are the ones that are real to you; the ones that care about the overall of your well being and I truly thank those for their effort on doing me all the good(s) in the world.

all the other ones that took me for granted, well, I hope you find another Chanel to fill my place.

Monday, 10 August 2009

power

i always try to give you the best of everything,
I tried everything that I could to be the tattoo in your heart.
I wanted to make you happy so I made you everything to me.
By making you special, I let my heart go,
letting you destroy the me that's already so weak at loving.
I thought I can kill time by occupying myself to do almost anything,
but the only thing I killed, was what's already hurting inside of me.
I told you that night that I care for you more than you do me,
I wanted that to change, but I guess you haven't grant me the power
to do what you can to me.
You know what hurts more than knowing the one you like, like you less?
Is when the world is moving forward and you feel like you're the only one falling downwards.
What's more sad than that is when you know that you're going to feed in more
because you can't let go of this pain to let it hurt even more.
I was never good at writing, and I never will be,
but this is the best I can explain how it feels
to be me, when you're neglecting me.

I sit here, putting more thoughts in my head into what you're probably doing at this moment,
and the only answer I've got is you're laughing, having fun with all your friends,
while I'm sitting here, thinking why you're doing exactly what you're doing.

It hurts to be me.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

distressing:(

i dislike being like this. if relationship is about a second of happiness vs a long while of sadness..

i'm not too sure if I can handle it.

sucks. but i guess that's just how relationship have to work.